Monthly Archives: August 2008

Olys Wrap Up

We gave Mason Baveux an assignment, despite our better judgement, to watch and report on the Bejing Olympics.  I’ve transcribed his ‘report’ from the three-ring binder paper he used and have left the grammar and spelling as crafted by Mason.

Dave said I could do the wrapup on the Olympics fer his blog as I was gonna watch most of it.  Which I did you know.  Went thru two sets of batteries on the remote bouncing back and forth from CBC to NBC.  I told the boss I was takin some time off, so’s I wouldn’t be interrupted. 

Now the first thing is Bejing is 12 hours away, so if she’s noon here, she’s midnight over there and the Olys don’t run at night, so if you wanned to watch live, you’re up at some jeezly hour fighting the shakes.  Which I did you know.

The Opening ceremonies were weird dam shit.  What the hell do strippers bangin waterlogged drums have to do with track and field?  The TV guys said that it was about the history of China over the centuries, but I didn’t get’er.  Canada looked pretty good in the parade tho, ‘cept if you were watching NBC. 

Which brings me to a pisser.  How come the American TV did all these stories on the guy who ties the shoelaces of some Yank athlete, from Dumbcrack Idaho, with his retarded sister and his war veteran mom.  Jeez, not even a story about the guy wearing the shoes, but about his shoelace tyin specialist, followed up by a half-hour about how tyin your shoelaces wrong’ll cost you the Gold in pond jumpin or some other such bull. 

Gymnatics:  If them Chinese girls are 16, I’m a raccoons ball sack.  I was waitin for the cops to bust down the door for me watching child porn.  There weren’t no fuzz on the peach if you catch me drift.  Nobody whacked face as best I remember, as there all good at getting on the beam.  The shit with the ribbons and hoops made me dizzy, so I had a nap.  Which I did you know.

Field Hockey:  Never seen it before, so I figured I’d giver a try.  Yessiree Lanka versus Chad?  On grass, with canes and a softball?  I guess they don’t have ice in Beijing, or Chad.  And nobody gets 5 for fighting or misconduct.  I’d a paid money to watch Tiger Williams cross check some of them players flat to the sod then drop gloves.  Good passin tho. 

Swimming:  I’d want to check that Mike Phelps for gills.  He’s good. 

Running:  Holy Mother of Mary them Jamaicans were fast.  Hussein Bolt was just playin with’em in the 100 and the 200, then showed us what fast means in the 400 relays.  Then the NBC showed us a two-hour documentary about how passin a stick from one guy to another is harder than the whole NASA space program ’cause one of their turtles hurt his hand signing endorsement contracts and couldn’t pass the stick.

Cocks and Eight:  Just rowing a boat, but we kicked ass.  Same with kayaks and one and two guy rowing.

Boxing:  There’s one little guy from Cuba who’d beat down the Great Wall of China if you’d let him.  Tough son of gun.

Wrestling:  This ain’t rasslin, but the Oly brand of wrestling, where you can’t come off the top rope and the chairs are kept away from the ring, which is just a circle, so it took some getting used to.  And there was female wrestling too, and not on pay-per-view, right in the coverage, as normal as you please.  I wonder if they’ll add midget wrestling for the London games.

Sword Fighting:  They call it fencing and you couldn’t see shit.

Softball:  The Women’s Softballers are kinda sneaky.  I played a game once with the lads against the Forrester’s Falls Women’s Team and when they’d pitch the ball, all you’d see was nothin’ then hear it in the catchers mitt and hear the ump say ‘strike one’.  It might be underhand, but when they get the whip on, she’s movin’.  They played some good ball and it was a hell of a lot better than watchin the Jays.

High Def:  The Olys were in High Def HD, which means the pictures are bigger, wider and clearer for you what has a High Def.  They say you could see the camel-toe in beach volleyball from a hundred yards away.  I don’t have HD, so go figure.

Horse Jumping:  We did good there.

Sailing:  Didn’t watch’er.

Pentaheptadodecahedratholon:  5, 8, 10 or 136 sports all in a row by the same guy who then pukes up his guts at the finish line.  Won by some Kenyan I think.  At least he wasn’t American, ’cause they would have had a four hour profile on his left nose hair trimmer and a half-hour story on the crippled gal who made the ink for his paper number.  All brought to you by Budweiser, Summer’s Eve and General Motors.  Jeez there was lots of commercials.

Closing Ceremonies.  I was half in the bag when she wrapped up, so I don’t remember much but the London bus opening up to show a pole dancer and some guy from Led Zepplin who looks like my Uncle Phil, but more wasted.

That’s the Olys. See you in Vancouver when we do her for real.

Canadian Politics

Our esteemed Prime Minister Stephen "Steve" Harper has been going out of his way to twist the nostrils of his political opposition, threatening another Federal Election.

Harper is a political bully of the Rumsfeld and Cheney class of manipulative control freaks who needs to micro manage anything and everything, subsequently managing nothing.  This perfectly sums up the last two years of federal governance in Canada.  The government sent out a press release saying nothing has changed and they’re right.  Our lapdog media naturally published the press release in its’ entirety making sure that all Canadians know that nothing has changed. 

This could be construed as a good thing, but what it truly shows is the utter lack of imagination in our media and our politicians.  Now Harper is lining up to run another Federal election up the Canadian colon.

Harper is the US historical equivalent of Herbert Hoover, or Silent Cal Coolidge, a fiscal conservative, a bible-thumper and as communicative as a box of rocks.  For years he’s wanted to be George Bush’s buddy, to the point of the rest of Canada cringed when Bush came to town:  Harper would usually spend the week after a Bush visit in the hospital, getting his cheeks puffed back out from sucking so hard.

The alternatives facing the Canadian voter are:

Stephane Dion of the Liberals (semi-Democrats for the US readers) who is recognized on the streets of Ottawa by seven or eight people.  Outside of Ottawa, voters know he exists but couldn’t pick him out of a police line up.  He might as well be in the witless protection program.  No that’s not a typo.  The Liberals, the at-one-time Natural Ruling Party of Canada, couldn’t organize a two-car funeral these days.

Jack Layton of the New Democratic Party (Social Democrat-near-Socialist in US context) looks like the supervisor of the Meat Department at your local Safeway.  His party has a couple of good ideas but is fighting with one hand behind their back, as their leader is charisma-challenged.  Jack looks like he longs to be back amongst the blade steaks and the roasts. 

Gilles Duceppe is the leader of the Bloc Quebecois, a regional party with mono-mania and an inability to change the subject.  Outside of Quebec, the citizens of Canada look at Duceppe as one looks upon a mentally challenged cousin:  We wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a Silver at the Special Olympics in the 200 meter drool.

There is also Elizabeth May of the Green Party.  She’s almost lifelike but still hasn’t got a seat in Parliament, despite some reasonable attempts and has no prospect of getting a seat unless an entire riding in British Columbia decides to drink the bong water on election day.

Meanwhile, the humble citizens go about their business, hoping that Harper gets back on his meds and stops this foolishness of asking for an election.  We don’t want one.  The alternatives to Harper are so confused, unexciting and inappropriate that voting will only be allowed for those who have taken a course of Immodium and have put a wooden clothespin on their nose before marking their X.

US Politics

Let us now dissect the past month and a half of US Politics in a few hundred well chosen words.

President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy has kept a very low profile as a lame-duck President, as he should.  He’s still an idiot of the first water:  Even the National Association of Village Idiots are offended by his very existence. 

With Cheney cooped up in the Undisclosed Location, dining alone on human flesh now that Karl Rove is gone, Cheney is contemplating the seating arrangements in Hell.  I suspect that Cheney is wondering if he will be seated next to Vlad the Impaler or Ed Gein.

Barack Obama has become the Blessed One for the Democratic party after a somewhat civilized battle with Hillary Clinton.  So far the Dems have not imploded into fractious battle groups clawing at each other.  Obama is not the ideal choice, but since Hillary would not take the VP seat, which would have been an almost perfect political storm, Obama and Biden is still a solid ticket with a few caveats.

Joe Biden is a walking verbal IED.  The sooner the Democratic party straps a ball gag on him, the more likely the Obama-Biden ticket will win.  Biden is a very intelligent and very experienced legislator with the foreign policy chops that Obama needs to win, but Biden should only be transported to public events in the Hannibal Lecter mask and restraints wardrobe.  When it comes to back-room dealing, Biden is the go-to guy, but don’t let him out in public.

John McCain is running as far away from the Bush Brownshirts as fast as his feet can carry him.  I have a certain fondness for McCain, despite his party affiliation, as he occasionally talks sense. 

I will even admit that the best government that the United States could have for the next four to eight years would be John McCain as President with Barack Obama as Vice-President.  It would be a good mix of strength and compassion while repairing the eight years of Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rumsfeld running roughshod over everyone who wasn’t on their personal speed-dials.

Sarah Palin is an interesting unknown.  I’m not going to throw her under the bus yet, despite her inexperience.  Paired up with McCain now, she will be a force to be reckoned with in 2016 as long as she doesn’t take herself too seriously and learns the ropes from a veteran like John McCain.  Palin is the future of the Republican party and actually appears to be an almost normal member of Republican society. 

Notice I qualified that:  Almost Normal and Republican.  I don’t like her position on oil drilling, the environment and her bible-thumping, but that doesn’t mean Palin isn’t a bad choice.  Palin might turn out to be a choice of exceptional wisdom for the future that the Bush-dominated Republican party could never foresee.

Now to call it.  Obama and Biden and a Democratic majority, but McCain and Palin will make a very good showing. 

I’m also going to predict it might even be a civilized campaign, as the race isn’t going to be close enough for the Republicans to go nasty right away.  Besides, the Republicans know that if they do go nasty, their slate is weak. 

The Democrats also should know that a lot of voters might cut Palin a fair amount of slack, so unleashing Biden on Palin would cause a backlash that would cost the Dems the White House.  Circumstances almost force both sides to give up negative campaigning and talk about, God forbid, policy and platform.

What the final result mean is that the Republicans, even if they lose, are moving into the future, instead of living in 1976.  The Democrats had best adapt quickly, as they’re still stuck in a 1960 Kennedy Camelot dreamland.

This election is where the bench strength and the new blood for the future is groomed.  Watch for the new names in Congress and the Senate.

Catching Up

(I’ll tell you why I’ve been so late in posting in a few weeks.) 

There have been too many stories from the US political season to even try to keep up, what with Obama vs. Hillary, Johnny Mac settling in to the Republican deck chair, the Dems convention and the whole bucket of Canadian political manure.

On top of that, we’ve had a propane storage yard blow up in Toronto, an outbreak of foodborne Listeriosis in deli meat across Canada and the Olympic coverage.  One reaches a point where the outrages and examples of mindless stupidity are piled up at the keyboard five-deep and you can’t find your mouse to get started.

Here’s what we’ll do:  Mason Baveux will handle the Olympics, as he was determined to watch as much as he could, then go on a two week bender.  He’s out of detox now and will post this weekend with his wrap up.  Meanwhile, I get to make sense of Canadian and US politics. OK?  Hang in.