Post-Colorado and post-Toronto shootups, there is increasing talk of gun control on both side of the border. We’ll define our terms here, as this is the best way to limit knee-jerk reaction to the whole issue, which understandably, many people take too seriously. We will also provide translation where needed, as we recognize that some people are familiar with firearms and some are not.
First off, it isn’t a gun. A gun is defined as a projectile weapon using a hollow tubular barrel with a closed end as the means of directing a projectile. This could be anything from a 16-inch gun on a battleship that sends shells the size of your sofa towards a target forty miles away, to a marshmallow gun that shoots Kraft Miniatures at a square of chocolate and two graham crackers using air pressure. They’re all guns.
We’re talking about, specifically, firearm weapons. True, knives, swords, crossbows and clubs are also weapons. A stapler can be a “weapon” as it all depends on intent, which we will get to shortly.
A “rifle” refers to the spiral grooves, the rifling, machined inside the barrel of a firearm to make the bullet spin and be more accurate over distance. A “shotgun” refers to the type of projectile, several dozen little steel or lead balls, called shot, in a largish shell, about the size of a lipstick, for those of our audience who use makeup on a regular basis.
A handgun or pistol is a common term that describes the size of the weapon, generally meaning small enough to hold and use with one hand. A shotgun a handgun and a rifle are all firearm weapons, meaning they use gunpowder to propel some kind of hard projectile at high speed towards something else.
We will define further demarcations between long firearm weapons and short firearm weapons.
Hunting firearms are almost all, by definition, long weapons, meaning more than 18 inches long and rarely with a clip of more than 8 rounds.
We’ve got no problem with hunting, be it ducks, moose or even sporting clays, but frankly, sporting clays taste horrible, even if you cook them for a week. Pass a firearms safety course, keep them in a firearms safe at home and transport them properly. Feel free to break bottles, control varmints or target shoot to your wallet and heart’s content. All we ask is that if you do take an animal or four that you use as much of the animal as you can, be it deer, elk, bear or ducks. How many and in what season is up to the provincial or state hunting regulations.
The only limitation we would ever consider imposing is to limit the weapon to semi-auto and to eight rounds. For the non-firearms folks semi-auto means you have to pull the trigger each time you want to fire the weapon and you have to reload after eight shots. Reloading takes a couple of seconds with a well-skilled person using the weapon.
Where the problem exists is firearm weapons that are less than 18 inches long and that great mystery of intent.
We don’t have a problem with people who target shoot using handguns, which are by definition less than 18 inches long. One of our acquaintances is Linda Thom. She knows how to use a weapon correctly, safely and with exceptional precision, as evidenced by her 1984 Olympic Gold Medal in 25 metre sport pistol competition. If you want to shoot targets with a firearm weapon less than 18 inches long, the same rules for long firearm weapons would apply: Firearms safety course, weapons safe at home, proper transportation, limit to semi-auto and eight rounds. The only addition would be a very stringent police background check and here’s why:
Firearm weapons shorter than 18 inches can be easily concealed.
A concealed firearm weapon has a different potential intent than one that is very difficult to conceal, like a long firearm weapon. Yes, you can still pull a Model 870 out from under your coat and fire away at things and people, but it’s a lot harder to conceal than a M1911 short firearm weapon. Both firearms can be used for benign purposes, be it hunting, or target shooting, but both can also be used to kill people. This speaks to intent and the intent to conceal means you have the potential for less than socially acceptable ends in mind when you pull out a short firearm.
Since we can’t actually determine intent up front when someone goes to buy a firearm (Gosh, I don’t want to hurt ducks, I want to shoot several co-workers and then die in a hail of bullets from the ERT – is rarely written on a Firearms Acquisition Certificate as the reason they want to obtain a weapon) we have to make it difficult for less than lawful and socially acceptable uses of firearm weapons.
Concealment is the first step: Make it hard to conceal the weapon by making it illegal for the firearm weapon, except for very specific circumstances, to be less than 18 inches long.
Second step is a limit of semi-auto and eight rounds. Hunters and target shooters don’t need to be able to fire a clip in one pull. If you’re that unskilled that you need full auto and a 50 round clip to take a deer, we’re not sure you should be allowed to have a camera, let alone a firearm. Make it illegal for the firearm weapon to fire full auto and to have a capacity of no more than 8 rounds per magazine or clip.
Third step: The display or involvement of any firearm weapon in the commission of any crime results in the automatic doubling of the penalty. Discharge of a firearm weapon in the commission of any crime results in a second doubling of the penalty. We call it the Double-Double Rule, named after the Tim Horton’s Coffee typical order of a Double-Double, of two cream and two sugar.
Here’s the elegance of the Double-Double: It speaks to the intent of the use of the firearm weapon. It has nothing to do with the legal, acceptable use of firearm weapons, aside from some sensible limits (semi-auto, no more than 8 rounds) their safe use, transportation and storage. These laws are already on the books, or could be amended very easily. Double-Double has everything to do with the commission of illegal acts involving firearm weapons.
So let’s take the Toronto shootings: Illegal possession of a firearm weapon of less than 18 inches in length. Seven and a half years is one of the more recent sentences. Double it, is 15. Discharge of the weapon with intent to harm another person, double it again: 30 years. We’ll let you in on a little feature of Double-Double. No parole or time off for good behaviour: You serve the full 30 year sentence under Double-Double even if it is your first offence.
Perhaps the beauty of the whole arrangement is we don’t have to argue about ‘banning guns’ a gun registry, stolen and illegal handguns, or even debate the merits of target shooting and hunting by sensible, safe, firearm weapons owners. Double-Double gets to heart of the matter, the intent of the firearm weapon holder, without changing our current situation very much.
Could a Double-Double law have prevented the Colorado shooter James Holmes or the Norwegian nutcase Anders Brevik? Not really, except that the shooters would have less likely access to short firearm weapons, either legally, or illegally and know the penalty for being taken alive would be a very, very long time in prison. We can’t control the crazy, no matter how hard we try to legislate things: There will always be those who find a way to act on the voices in their head.
But we can make it very, very punitive for gang-bangers and their ilk to cross that line of intent. A few of them being put away for 30 years tends to send the message in a clear, concise and easily understood manner: Do not use a firearm weapon in the commission of an illegal act – You will go to jail for a long, long time.
Where’s the upside of Double-Double, you ask? For one, it keeps our politicians from behaving in knee-jerk fashion nattering on about ‘gun’ control to gather votes. One Toronto mayor wanted to make target shooting ranges illegal to stem the flow of stolen handguns from the US. That’s almost as dumb as clear cutting forests because forests have trees, that are made of wood, than can be made into a baseball bats that can be used to hit other people over the head.
The second upside is that we make it difficult enough already to legally have a firearm weapon less than 18 inches in length. If you are that keen to take up target shooting and the pistol arts, then you won’t mind waiting 30 days or more for the background check to be completed while you take your firearms safety course and get your firearms safe installed. No problem, as your intent is socially acceptable and the laws are already on the books. Do recognize that we will put your ass in a sling if we find you’re storing your firearms in a dresser drawer with two full mags and the safety off. That’s stupid beyond belief and has nothing to do with target shooting.
Third, we’re not limiting long firearm weapons, aside from the aforementioned semi-auto and eight round limits. Hunt, shoot clays, control varmints or plink bottles all day if you want to, as long as you do it safely. If we find you piss drunk shooting a stop sign by the side of the highway, be assured the cops will confiscate your weapon and should probably give you two black eyes with the butt of your shotgun for being a complete idiot out of season.
Fourth, we get rid of those who choose to wave a gun around, either as thieves, robbers or gang-bangers by putting them away for a very long time. It might take a few years for the message to be delivered, but at least the perpetrators will be off the street. It took about ten years to get the message regarding seat belts or driving drunk to become mainstream, so it isn’t an instant fix. Nothing is.
As for the crazies like James Holmes? That we cannot fix.
When The Going Gets Weird
Our esteemed pinch-hitter Mason Baveux has asked for the keys again to comment on the general weirdness that seems to have permeated Canada in the last few months. Mason?
It’s like you said Davy, she’s gone right screwy. My Canada, what we stand on guard for thee seems to have dropped off the conveyor belt of normal, into the rock tumbler of What the eff?
Luka Magnotta: If you’re south of the border, you’ve might of heard about our very own Canadian Monster. He’s the sick little jagoff what killed and then field dressed that student Jun Lin. Then this Magnotta mails body parts to a couple of schools in BC and the HQ of two of our major political parties up Davey’s way in Ottawa. Eventually the cops found the head and torso, so’s at least the family got a full set to bury.
Jesus lad, this is Canada. Drop the gloves or take a stick to his head, but killin the lad then runnin off to Canada Post is a bit much. Magnotta’s in the pokey right now awaitin trial as the newsies say. The trick cyclists are studyin Magnotta’s mind right now and I can save them a lot of time: He’s a crazy fuck. I don’t like my tax dollars goin to house that kind of crazy bastard in segregation. Put him in General Pop and the lads will take care of things for us in a week to ten days. Same with that Russell Williams and Paulie Bernardo.
Shoot’em up in Toronto. Them gangbangers are at it again in Hogtown. Last night off in Scarberia there was a big old picknic goin on when an animated discussion ensued. Two dead, 23 wounded in what they’re callin’ a hail of gunfire.
First off, no points for marksmanship ya arseholes. There was 200 or so folks at the BB and Q and ya managed to hit ten percent including an infant. If you gotta settle your beef with a weapon, learn how to use it first. Shootin up the whole neighbourhood proves you got no balls, no skills and no class.
I don’t give a gold plated tit tassel about what your beef is as it’s probly something retarded about one lad wearin an Oakland A’s cap instead of a Yankees cap on backwards or other such gang rubbish. Oh and “disrespectin” each other. Well here’s some more disrespectin’: You can’t shoot worth shit. None of you have the stones or the smarts to go toe to toe like a real Canadian Man would. Oh, that’s right, you’re still livin at home, bein suckled on Mommy’s teat, bein all butch, wavin’ a gun around. Friggin’ whinin’ little wipes.
I know a lad from the PPCLI who was so tough he was stabbed three times in Korea by a Chinee fightin in a trench, who didn’t even use his sidearm, except to pistol whip him with the butt end. Didn’t kill him, but it took the medicos a week to figure out where to put the feeding tube on the prisoner.
Tornado Warnings today: Well that’s your climate warmin for ya. We get no rain for a month, so’s everything’s drier than Sister Agnes’s twat then she starts blowin around in a twister. This ain’t Texas or Oklahoma and if Dorthy clicks her ruby heels together she sure ain’t goin to wind up in Winchester or Morrisburg. No word on the damage yet.
Brit Olys – I told you I was goin to roast their weenies when it came time for London to host the Olympics. Seems G4S was hired to provide the rent-a-cops for the London Olys in a couple of weeks. Turns out they couldn’t find more than a half-dozen, when they promised 10,400. Now the London Oly Committee has asked some 3,500 of the lads comin back from Afghanistan to delay their leave for a month so’s they can walk around and keep the peace.
Seems that G4S is goin to lose between $54 and $78 million dollars on the contract. Who they hell were they gettin to be security guards? Friggin Saudi Princes? Nick Buckles, what was the lad from G4S what said “Sorry about that” still has his job, but says he might be forced to quit. No shit Sherlock! Quit? If I were in charge of G4S I’d be walkin with a limp because one of my shoes were missing as it was up Nick Buckles arsehole after I fired him and threw him out the front door face first.
OK, that last one weren’t Canadian, but she’s still a symptom of Big Stupid goin on.
And Davey told me about one he’s goin through. Seems his nephew is gettin hitched, so’s he and the missus are flyin to Winnipeg for the do in Portage. Closest airport is Winnipeg, so’s they book them Reward Miles on the Aeroplan. Where’s their flight go? Ottawa to Montreal to Winnipeg. Jesus Katy that’s like flyin from New York to Los Angeles but goin through Greenland first. Seems that the Aeroplan doesn’t want you to actually use your Aeroplan miles up for things like, oh, I don’t know, airplane trips maybe?
Davey’s scared to book any more flights anywhere as they might have him routed via Frankfurt if he wants to fly to Seattle from home.
I got no answer for you, except she’s all gone stupid right now. The only solution I can come up with is to pop the top off another and try to beat the heat with the brew. Go Leafs!
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