Monthly Archives: May 2014

Ontario Election

Sorry it has been a while, but life intrudes sometimes, however, there have been many outrages in the past while.  Our most recent, is the election we’re holding in Ontario right now.

(Quick American translation:  We’re having an election in our state, except Ontario is much bigger than Texas and has two time zones in the province.  Plus, we don’t elect state Senators, as we’re a parliamentary democracy.  Liberal = Democrat, Conservative = Republican, NDP = European Style Social Democrat, or Socialist but Nice about it)

We prefer when it comes to exercising our franchise, to vote for things.  For a particular party, their leader,  a platform, a series of promises, or reforms.  In this iteration of the Ontario Legislature, we don’t necessarily get that option, voting for something.

The campaign has devolved into a smoke and mirrors workshop.  The incumbent Liberals under Kathleen Wynne are saddled with the inheritance of their previous leader, Dalton McGuinty, who was so inert scientists considered him part of the Periodic Table of Elements, somewhere in the realm of Nitrogen gas, or solid Carbon.  Wynne is required to keep a straight face when asked by reporters to explain the grain-carrier Seaway Laker tied to her ankle with a 3” hawser.  She says it was there when she took office after McGuinty resigned a few months ago, someone having conveniently tied a 400 foot long ship to him, the longshoreman having wiped his hands, muttering “That ain’t goin nowheres now”

The Conservatives are saddled with a leader, Tim Hudak and a platform that includes invading Poland in September, to obtain Lebensraum for Ontario.  Hudak’s other big platform plank includes creating more jobs by firing 100,000 civil servants.  This is the intellectual equivalent of determining that dogs are deaf when you cut off all their legs, because they won’t respond to “Come”  Hudak is one of those bug-eyed people who look like his self-importance was inflated to 45 psi over the placarded pressure when the election writ was dropped.

The Ontario New Democratic Party leader, Andrea Horvath suffers from an image problem.  Everyone of a certain age in Ontario remembers what were called “Rae Days” in 1993, when the then-NDP leader, Bob Rae scared himself and the NDP shitless and wound up in the Big Chair at Queen’s Park.  He gave all of Ontario’s public servants twelve unpaid days of leave to reduce a $2 billion dollar deficit.  We long for the days of a $2 billion shortfall now.  Leading the NDP means Big Labour actively hates you, especially since Andrea Horvath’s party pulled the plug on the Liberal Minority government and forced the election.

Locally, in Ottawa South, which was Dalton McGuinty’s old riding, we’ve got his Executive Assistant running as an incumbent candidate and proving that there is no shame in politics, even if you are caught on video up to the bristles in a Berkshire sow.  A Conservative, Matt Young, who says “What Tim says, yep!” and an NDP Candidate, Bronwyn Funiciello, who is personable in a Mary-Kay Distributor way, but knows her chance in this riding is on par with the other five fringe candidates, Libertarian, Green, Special Needs, Freedom and Communist.  It’s really down to two, Liberal or Conservatives here.

Which is where our conundrum sits.  We can’t vote for the Liberals, as their granitic inaction and mind-warping stupidity means another four years of no hope no progress and no money as the last jobs left in manufacturing get sent to Guatemala or Michigan.  Or,vote for a party that promises like their forebears, to gut everything they can get their hands on, including health care, schools, policing, fire services, and the bureaucracy, then private-sector it to their buddies as rapidly as possible under the guise of ‘getting value for the tax payer’.  It would be Mike Harris the Reboot, or Ernie Eaves Mark II.  Plus the whole one-armed saluting of the Conservatives gives us shivers of annexing the Sudetenland flashbacks that we can’t shake. 

We can’t get drunk enough to vote for the NDP or any of the other fringe parties, unless the Rhino Party comes back from the dead and offers to build a bridge along the St Lawrence Seaway as a Public Service Project.  Except they want to build it lengthwise, not across. 

That kind of stupid, we can get behind as a voter.