We figured it was time to let Mason Baveux out as he’s been taking courses again. This time he’s been taking computer courses and is now, to quote him, “A friggin’ expert!” Mason?
Thanks for lettin me take up some bandwidth there Davey as I’se been takin courses again, this time on the ‘puters and how to run em. Now, you be askin, “Mason, you’re no computer lad like Davey is, as you’re dumber than a bag of deer bait on the best day of your life?”
To which I say, in yer arse. I may have been born yesterday, but it was early and I stayed up late readin, so kiss me pink puckered arsehole. I fixed Maureen’s puter down at the sheltered workshop, so I know a thing or two and figgerd out the rest. OK Davey helped too.
Here’s what I learned. Puters are dumber than we are, but somedays we’re even dumber. Take Maureen’s puter. It wouldn’t run worth shit and she couldn’t get to her games, so’s she says take a gander at it for me. I did and I tell you sweet baby Jesus there was more popups on’er than Tuesday afternoon at the toaster pastry factory. There was popups to fix this, tune than, clean up the other thing, then some on porn that I hadn’t seen, 100,000 smiley icons and a webpage from the FBI demanding Maureen send money or they’d arrest her for diddling little kids. You know what that told me? Maureen is dumb and she fell for the oldest trick in the ‘puter book.
Sees us folks aren’t too sure about puters, so we figgure we’re in over our head and someone else should be able to help us out. Along comes a helpful webpage that says just that “Yer puter’s slow, arsehole, I’ll fix’er for you, fer free!”
As soon as you say “effin’ aye, set’er up lad” they start downloadin all this bogus crap that is as much help as a foam rubber crutch. It don’t do nothin, but on top of that, it ‘helps’ you by redirectin all your clicks to some other jeezly website when all you want to do is check the numbers on the Lottery. Then along with all that helpin comes even more popups offerin you free this, or free that, or help with your even slower puter.
Here’s what you do and I’ll grab a page outta the Nancy Regan Songbook. Just say no. Actually, just say ‘eff off’ Don’t click on nothin you didn’t start. There’s nobody on the Interwebs that wants to help you for real, for free. There’s always something else draggin along behind’er like a cling-on shit that won’t go away. Just say eff No!
That means no smiley face cursors what are animated to wink at ya, free recipes, special healin tarot crystal frigabouts or things what promise to make your puter faster. They don’t friggin work worth shit.
You want to make your puter faster? Put more friggin RAM in’er. That’s safe and cheap and real, not some jagoff from Assholistan what really wants to put some virus on your puter so he can capture all your bankin info and read your email, especially the ones from your cousin the retard with the plate in her head whose been hearin voices in the walls since 1981.
I’s gonna give you a link here what you can click on, safely like: Ready? http://www.microsoft.com/security/pc-security/malware-removal.aspx
Thats what you call the Official, Genuine, Microsoft Malicious Software Removal Tool. Them folks in Redmond are on the ball and this here tool will take out just about all the bullshit you’ve downloaded what is slowin down your puter. Don’t be downloadin it from somebody else with the same name, as this one is right from the factory floor, by the lads what made your puter software in the first place, so’s you know they got vending machines all around there where you can get yourself a clue for less than a buck.
Run that there tool and sit back to wait. If your puter is like Maureen’s, it’ll take the better part of four or five hours to clean things up. I did that and holy mother of Jesus she found about 65 pieces of arseholery installed on Maureen’s puter. No wonder it was buggered worse than George Michaels at the Vaseline factory!
The other one what got Maureen’s sister Millicent was those friggin jagoffs what called her up out of the blue sayin she had a dangerous virus and they was from Microsoft Support so they’s could help her. I called up Microsoft and they don’t do that.
Got that folks? Microsoft isn’t gonna call you up if you got a virus. It’s a scam from Arseholistan what are callin up everyone, and I mean everyone tellin them they got a virus and all kinds of errors and stuff on their puters that they can fix. All you gotta do is let them put their little software shit on your puter and all the errors go away. Along with all your bankin logins and anything else you got what is worth anything.
What I told Millicent and Maureen was to treat your puter like it was the front door of the house. If some turd tapper shows up, rings the bell and says I’m here to help you with your exploding hot water heater and that carbon monoxide in your furnace along with the filthy ducts, and poisoned tap water from the copper pipes and that other dangerous stuff, what would you do?
I know Maureen would offer to kick their arses so hard they’d be shittin out their eyeballs for October and November. Millicent would invite them in and talk about her friggin cats until they’re heads exploded and their bladders burst from all that herbal tea she was feeding them.
Got that? Your puter’s like the front door of the house. Anyone you don’t know, start with “eff off” and follow it up with, “and get the hell off my front stoop before I take this last half a can of Easy-Off Professional Strength oven cleaner to your face like that fuckwit last week whose still in the hospital and will be blowin snot out his mouth until the next Federal Election or his reconstructive surgery, which ever comes first!”
You could do what Davey does when he gets those calls. He says he has only Macs and they don’t know what to say. His missus sometimes plays along for a bit, then asks them all saucy like, “What are you wearin’ honey? Do you like boys or do you like girls?” They always hang up when that starts as it ain’t in their script.
The other thing ya gotta watch out for is some of the legitimate softwares out there, sometimes offers you a free this or a free that if you agree to download it. Make sure to read a bit and if there’s something to unclick, then do that. Like Java, its always offerin me to get McAfee for the antivirus and Google for the searchin, with their special offer. Eff that! I know where to get my Goggle on. And I already got anti-virus from Microsoft, so I don’t need another one on top of the one I got.
That Microsoft “Security Essentials” is plenty good and it updates automatic like every time I’m on the Interwebs, so I knows I’m protected pretty damn fine. You can get that here, with this link I’m gonna give you right now http://windows.microsoft.com/en-CA/windows/security-essentials-download Now, that’s right from the factory, so’s it’s clean and safe and works. Plus, the best part of it? She’s free. Run that and that one I told you about before and your puter’ll be cleaner than my insides after that oscopy surgery I had in the spring.
That’s all I got. Oh and Maureen’s all happy. She can get to her games and her lottery pages and her puter runs just fine now.