Guest Commentator – History Hurts


We woke up our esteemed guest commentator, Mason Baveux from his pre-game training for the CFL Eastern Conference final.  For those who don’t follow or know about the CFL fan base, this is the pre-game process for the spectators; it involves three fingers of Captain Morgan Run (or Palm Breeze) in a glass with enough Coca-Cola to colour it dark.  Repeat until you can’t feel your legs.  Wake up and do it again. 

We wanted to know what his thoughts were on how people are reacting to the Paris terrorist attacks.  Not a lighthearted subject to drop on someone four days into a three-day bender, but he took to the keyboard with a vengeance.

Thanks for the keys to the bloggery again Davey.  Here we go on Paris.  First off, ISIL, ISIS, Daesh, or whatever then goat humpers call themselves can go eff themselves.  The various cops will take care of the ones on the loose and it won’t be all nicey nicey.  Fook’em all.

What’s got my back up is what some of my fellow citizens have been doin to them what are Muslims.  That’s just pissed me off something fierce, because it showin’ just how stupid we can be, without there bein an upside to it.  This I’m blamin on the schools some, but I’m really blamin on how ignorant a lot of folks really are.  So’s we’re goin to educate some of you arseholes.

You know how us folks have all kinds of different types of religions that are all Christians?  Protestants, Catholics, Anglicans, Lutherans, Baptists, Presbyterians and the like?  Well, Islam’s got the same thing.  There’s probably as many different brands of being Muslim as there is being a Christian.  Some of them get along fine and others are like a box of wet cats goin to the vet.  You need welding gloves to handle them, or they’ll turn your arms into hamburger meat.

Where things got all messed up is in the area of that map called the Middle East.  Go look at a map and you’ll see all kinds of straight lines around there that got nothing to do with the folks what live there.  If you and your goats are on one side of the line, you’re Syrian, on the other side yer Jordainian, or Iraqi, or Turkish, or Kurdish, or Kuwaiti.  This goes back to just after the First World War and some monkeyshines called the Sykes-Picot Agreement what divvyed the place up with a bunch of secret deals that had nothing to do with the folks what were livin there.

It’s like Yugoslavia.  There weren’t no such thing as Yugoslavia until someone said there was and held a gun to the heads of anyone who disagreed, who was Joe Tito holdin the gun.  Then when Tito died and the Commies took their big dump, the whole joint reverted back to Bosnia, Serbia, Montenegro, Slovakia, Croatia, and Herzegovina, with some leftovers from Istria, Zadar, Rijeka, Hungary and probably Austria.  It was a put-up job done after the First World War too.  That worked out really well for everybody, didn’t it?

Back to the Middle East here.  So’s imagine you’re walkin around, herdin your goats and some asshat in a uniform says you’re now Syrian and you just joined the effin army.  You and your family been walkin those paths for as far back as anyone can remember and now you’re stuffed onto one side of the line, or the other.  You didn’t get to vote, or even ask questions, just pow, you’re Syrian, or somesuch.

The other part of this massive Mongolian fookpile is the various branches of Islam that don’t want to play nice with each other.  Sunni Muslims don’t like Shia Muslims.  Alawite Muslims think the other two are arseholes.  Wahabi Muslims think the other three are dumber than a box of hammers and are so messed up they might as well be Episcopalians.

What that does is change who yer runnin away from.  Refugees in Jordan are trying to get the hell away from the Syrian Army, not ISIS.  Refugees in Turky are tryin to get the hell away from ISIS.  What’s left of the Iraqi army has its ass kicked out of Mosul, but not after kickin any asses what had Sunni sounding names, as they were mostly Shia as was as lot of the army bosses who wanted to settle some scores.  The Saudis are mostly Wahabi and want the other two or three branches to kill each other off, by doin nothing to interfere in any of it.

Come to think of it, somebody is buyin the bootleg oil what the ISIS is usin to fund their fun and sellin it on the market.  I’m just saying, if you follow the money…

So what we got here is a bunch of little branches of Muslims, who don’t like each other, let alone themselves, livin on a map that was a scam job secret deal with no homeland and fightin each other to try to get a piece of peace, for more than a few generations of livin in a refugee camp tent.

Tell me, how fooked up would you be, if you weren’t sure if you’d make it to lunch alive, in case the Syrian army, or the rebels from Mosul, or a bunch of messed up neighbours decided to gas, shoot and bugger everyone on the camp who didn’t have the same sounding name?  That’s what you call a recipe for radicalization that only takes 20 minutes at 350, until a toothpick in the middle comes out clean.

Now, I’s not makin excuses for ISIS.  I say we do something Davey suggested a while ago, after the Charlie Cartoonist shootings in Paris.  Capture as many as you can and toss’em one by one out of a helicopter over their territory, with a note was says “Fook You, arseholes!”  Even a lot of Muslims are using this Hashish Tag called #NotInMyName to distance themselves from these fuckwads in ISIS. So learn this:  Muslims ain’t ISIS.  Want me to repeat that?  Muslims Ain’t ISIS.

Not that us Christians were a whole lot better.  The Inquisition, back in 1250 saw a bunch of Christians tryin to decide who was more Christian.  There was talk what the Cathars and the Franciscans was sayin they were closer to God.  So’s the Dominicans decided to kick some ass through the church courts.  Jeeze, even Galileo got his ass hauled into court, sayin the Earth went around the Sun, not the other way around.

Or the Crusades back in 1095 when we got all offended about Jews and Arabs bein on “holy” ground.  Mind you, we got this shit out of the way in the day before we had cruise missiles and truck bombs, but it’s the same bullshit on a different day.  We’re no better, so shut the fook up.

See, what it all comes down to is what brand of God you like.  We’re all prayin to the same one, just some like their brand, while we like our brand.  Fightin over it is stupid.  God don’t care.  If he did, he’s tan our asses for bein idiots.  This is us getting our panties in a snit, not anything to do with God.

To sum her up.  If you’re goin to mouth off at somebody you think is a Muslim, you’re just showin how fookin stupid you are and how much you don’t know.  They got just as much right to wear a scarf on their head, as what a Jew does wearing their yarmulke, a Sikh does with a turban or you do with your crucifix.  It’s nothing more than havin a reminder on your calendar about what you believe in.  It don’t make you a terrorist, or a friend of a terrorist, or a friend of a friend of a terrorist.  It’s like blamin you for the Inquisition.

These folks got just as much right to be here as you do.  And a reminder that one-eighth of my family, met your family when they got off the boat the first time in Plymouth Rock, fleeing religious persecution and not knowing shit about what to eat, or how to survive winter without dyin.

Mouthin off near me at some Muslim, or Jew, or Sikh, or any other religion means you might just get your ignorant attitude adjusted right quick.  I don’t mind getting on the bus with only one shoe, as the other’ll be up your arse.

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4 responses to “Guest Commentator – History Hurts

  1. Are there a lot of Anglican going around blowing things up?

  2. One more thing to note. There are also Christians trying to live in those areas, and they, too are being persecuted. A friend from work told me that’s why his family left Syria 25 years ago. He’s worried that this sort of behaviour will become worse amongst his people in Canada with the influx of refugees. In Germany, for example, they have said that they need to segregate in order to avoid skirmishes within the refugee housing.

  3. Which is disheartening, but understandable.

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