Tha White Haws
Subject: YOUR RECENT LETTER COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW DETAINEES ARE TREATED AND SUGGESTIONS FOR MORE LIBERAL AND HUMANE TREATMENT.
Solution: The President’s “Adopt a Detainee” Program.
Dear Bleeding Heart:
Thank you for your recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As part of the Administration’s Liberal Re-training Program, you’ll be pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care.
Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to assure that your detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed in your letter to us.
Although he is sociopathic, very psychotic and dedicated to kill Americans and all Jews, we do welcome your promised efforts to overcome that “attitudinal problem” with your promised counselling, abundant love, bonding sessions and home schooling. His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do not require utensils.
While he does bite, the rabies test was negative, although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven’t completely remedied. He’s extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies to your soccer Mom friends. He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt your maid’s daily routine.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s cage, “Does not play well with others”. Your detainee generally bathes quarterly,with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That should help with your water bill.
Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but is especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but will eat them prepared in just about any manner.
You take good care of our detainee, now.