We managed to obtain this series of outtakes from the Pope’s Sunday Address. It sounds like it was a recording off the talkback line between the recording technician and the Pope.
TECH:
Papal Address for Sunday, Take 1 in three, two one
POPE:
Brothers and Sisters, those fucking towel-headed carpet jockeys are messin’ shit up.
TECH:
Cut! Your Holiness, you can’t use language like that. Come on, Your Holiness, we’ve had this talk before….
POPE:
Sorry Greg, I forgot… Let’s take it again.
TECH:
Papal Address for Sunday, Take 2 in three, two one
POPE:
Brothers and Sisters, I speak to you today about the threat of radical Islamic fundamentalism. Those who embrace a universal view of God know that Mohammed was a putz.
TECH:
Cut! Your Holiness, you can’t call Mohammed a putz.
POPE:
Why not? He was a putz. So was his brother Mike.
TECH:
Your Holiness, putz is a Yiddish term, meaning prick. You really want to call Mohammed a putz? I mean, dude, you’re annoying Jews and Muslims in one sentence, can’t you come up with something a little softer?
POPE:
Oh. OK…Lemme see….OK. I think I’ve got it. Roll it
TECH:
Papal Address for Sunday Take 3 in three, two one
POPE:
Brothers and Sisters, I speak to you today about the threat of radical Islamic fundamentalism. Those who embrace a universal view of God know that God wants his flock to use the peaceful means that He has given his children to reconcile their differences. Look at the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Over our thousands of years of existence we’ve only slaughtered a few hundred thousand unbelievers in the Crusades, the Inquisition and, of course, Northern Ireland.
TECH:
Cut! Your Holiness, are you sure you want to mention the Crusades, the Inquisition and Ireland in the same sentence? I mean, these are not the best examples of Catholic and Christian tolerance are they?
POPE:
Hey are you the Pope or am I? Dammit Greg, you want me to talk about tolerance and peace when these shitpokes are blowing up stuff all over the place? I mean, really man. You’re stomping on my creativity here.
TECH:
Sorry Your Holiness. It’s just that all the stuff you brought up at that University address in Regensberg is causing all kinds of mad shit with the Muslims. They are some pissed at you and that means they’re pissed at me, man. Can’t you do something to chill’em out?
POPE:
Whaddya want me to do to chill them out? We tried that in 1938 in Poland and see what that got us? Bunch of fuckers…worse than goddam Presbyterians with a wild hair up their ass…
TECH:
I don’t know, Your Holiness…um…how about an apology?
POPE:
I am the fucking Pope you asshole! I am infallible for shitsakes. The Pope doesn’t apologize to nobody for nothing and don’t you forget it or you’ll be recording sermons for the Jesuits in Tierra del Fuego next week.
TECH:
Sorry.
POPE:
You should be.
TECH:
It’s just, well, you know, tolerance. I mean we’re all talking about the same God right?
POPE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah…there is but one God and so and so is his prophet. We bicker over who speaks for God but there is only one God.
TECH:
What I mean is, it kinda doesn’t matter which prophet you use, Mohammed, Luke, Mark, John, or the crazy guy on the street corner right?
POPE:
I’m following. Go on…
TECH:
Well if it doesn’t matter which particular spokesman you believe in, the really important thing is believing in the whole thing. Like Bono said to me once, “You gotta believe in the whole album, not all the songs in the album”
POPE:
OK I get it. Like on their Atomic Bomb album, that cut, Original of the Species, sucks shit, but the album is really sharp. Some good chops in there….
TECH:
Yeah…that`s it. The album, meaning God, as a whole, is great. A true iTunes bullet. But some of the individual tracks, like oh, Mormons, blow monkeys on Sundays.
POPE:
Yeah! That`s a great way to put it man.
TECH:
So what you gotta do is be like Bono and say that, hey, man, sorry, the album is a killer but this one track, the Muslims, isn`t as good as we wanted it to be.
POPE:
So you want me to apologize for the Muslims for being a shit track, is that what you`re saying…
TECH:
Naw, it`s a little more subtle than that. Like, what you want to do is to say you`re sorry for saying that one or two tracks ain`t so good.
POPE:
So I`m not really saying I`m sorry at all that one track or two is fucked up, more like I`m saying I`m sorry for saying it out loud. Is that it…
TECH:
Yeah. Yeah that`s it!
POPE:
Fuck. That I can do without wearing a funny hat. Roll`em Greggy Boy. We can knock this out in one take.
TECH:
Papal Address for Sunday Take 4 in three, two one
POPE:
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
The pastoral visit which I recently made to Bavaria was a deep spiritual experience, bringing together personal memories linked to places well known to me and pastoral initiatives towards an effective proclamation of the Gospel for today.
I thank God for the interior joy which he made possible, and I am also grateful to all those who worked hard for the success of this pastoral visit. As is the custom, I will speak more of this during next Wednesday’s general audience.
At this time, I wish also to add that I am deeply sorry for the reactions in some countries to a few passages of my address at the University of Regensburg, which were considered offensive to the sensibility of Muslims.
These in fact were a quotation from a Medieval text, which do not in any way express my personal thought.
Yesterday, the Cardinal Secretary of State published a statement in this regard in which he explained the true meaning of my words. I hope that this serves to appease hearts and to clarify the true meaning of my address, which in its totality was and is an invitation to frank and sincere dialogue, with great mutual respect. Thank You.
TECH:
We`re clear…good one!
POPE:
Yeah, that ought to hold the fuckers. Well, I`m done for the day. Later Greg.
TECH:
Later Your Holiness.