Monthly Archives: February 2010

Mason Baveux and the Olympics III

I’se still watchin the Olys fer Davey, so’s he said I could post some more and what I wanted to natter on about was Sportsmanship.

Now, don’t be gettin exercised ‘cause I used sportsMANship.  I mean it in what they call non-gender specific terms.  Man is what we’re called, as in huMANs.  That be our species name, like dogs, or bovines, not referring to the presence or absence of the pink handrail, so’s you understand, do’n’t you know. The gals can be sportsmen too and usually are better at it than the men.

Sportsmanship means goin into a competition with some respect for the people you’re competin against.  Of course you want to beat them like a gong and be Number One, but you also know they could just as likely turn the tables and tap you one upside the head till you hear the ringin in yer own ears.

I was in a darts tourney down to the Branch a buncha years ago and some lad from Actinolite come up to compete.  Now, I’s never heard nor seen him play and he was awful good.  Doubles around the board to warm up fer shitsakes.  I stayed off the hops just so’s I could have a half a chance and he beat me like a drum in the Orangemen’s Day parade.  When it was over he shook my hand, looked me in the good eye and said I played well then thanked me for the contest.  He didn’t point at me an laugh, when he coulda, or done some parade lap around the tables, lookin all Rocky Balboa.  He was a gentleman and a sportsman about it.  I think it comes down to respect.

Now just to get to the Olys, nomatter what sport yer talkin about, that means you’re probably one of the best in your country, even if your country is one of them ‘stans out there in the middle of nowhere.  The Olys attract the best there be.  That Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili who died on the first day, was one of the very best lugers from a whole country.  You nor me could do the luging as good as he could, even if we practiced a hundred years.  Even some gal from Turdistan who come 43rd in the Fancy Skatin is a thousand times better’n you and me will ever be.  We forget that sometimes and that leads to people behavin like arseholes.

Take the Gals Hockey.  Sure, we shellacked the Slovakians, but we still shook their hands and the crowd gave them a great big round of applause when it was over as the Slovakians did their very best and that’s all you can ask for.  Same with the speed skatin, or the Gals two-man bobs.  The Canadians always paid lots of respect to the others and even the crowds would applaud the teams which didn’t quite have the snuff for the stuff.

Then the Gals Hockey game with the US and Canada for the gold medal comes up.  The US is guarandamnteed a Silver even if they don’t do more than lace’em up and skate about for an hour.  But we go and beat them and take the gold medal away.

The Suomi’s come out, in Bronze and you’da thinked they’d won the Lotto 6/49.  They were proud to be the third best Gals Hockey Team in the Whole Friggin World and the crowd and the Canadian team all gave them a great big round of congratulations. 

Then the American Gals line up.  Durin that medal ceremony, I had never seen so many people with the pouts on, ever.  You’d a thinked we killed all their cats and then run over their kids with a backhoe.  Silver means they’re the second best at gals hockey in the WHOLE FRIGGIN WORLD, but no, that wasn’t what they wanted so they stand there like they just heard the rabbit died. 

By the way all that fuss about the underage Canadian Gals Hockey havin a pint and smokin cigars at center ice after the medal ceremony?  The reason they made that bad choice was they weren’t old enough to know it was wrong. Or none too smart. 

Last night, with the Mens 5000 meter team relay speedyskatin, all the lads on the podias were congratulatin each other without so much as a pout or a pissy attitude.  Koreans, Yanks and Canadians all proud to be there, ‘cause they know they’re the fastest sons of bitches on blades, in the whole friggin world.  That Yank, Apollo Mahi-Mahi Ono had a big proud smile on his fiz gettin the bronze to add to his wad of gold medals, knowing that his team and himself busted their ass and damn near did it.

Or at the Gals Curling final.  Cheryl Bernard misses one in the extra end and Sweeden gets the gold.  Does Cheryl Bernard toss her broom in the crowd and spit at the Sweeds?  Hell, no.  Cheryl knows her and her rink are the second best gals curlers in the whole friggin world and is gracious and damn glad to be there.  That’s what you call sportsmanship.  You could even call it classy. Which the American Gals Hockey team sure wasn’t.

There’s a time when you win and there’s a time when you lose in any competein’ event.  You might not get some ribbon and some piece of hardware, but you’re still the best just by gettin there. The best in the whole friggin world.         

Photos That Just Happen

I’ve been shooting film and digital since shortly before Jesus got his Journeyman Carpenter’s papers and joined Local 1221.  Occasionally, I get a good shot or two off, then there are other times you stumble upon an image.  Here’s two that fell into the viewfinder in the last couple of weeks.


Aikenhead’s Drug Store is in downtown Pembroke, Ontario.  In a previous life in radio, I used to do their commercials on the air at CHOV Radio and I always wondered if they understood the curious correlation between their name and their business.

Meanwhile, yesterday, this shot almost made me drive into the ditch.


Yes, it is real.  No, there was no Photoshop or other artistic license.  Yes, there is a L’il Stool House on Hunt Club Road, just west of Merivale Road.  You can stop laughing now you dirty-minded son of a gun.   

If you choose to save a copy of these for your own personal use, all I ask is the usual credit of © 2010 David Smith.  

Mason Baveux and the Olympics II

Davey’s asked me if I wanted to write more about the Olys, so’s I said yep. 

Skeleton: Now didn’t we do just fine there, what with that kid from Russell Manitoba winnin the Gold.  Skeleton is like the luge, but you go down face first with your pie hole about a half inch off the ice, through the same turns as the lugers and the bobsleddin lads and just as jeezly fast.  You steer by dragging your feet and moving your arse about to keep from goin head first into a wall of ice at 140 k per.  Which could ruin your day if you did.  On the Womens side of the skeleton, we did just fine too.  No medals but the Brit girl who won was the one with the biggest set of balls what clanked when she walked.

Fancy Skatin:  Some Yank florist won, but without doin a quadruped leap, what pissed off the Russian, Ivan Bitchacockoff, who did a four times around and landed ‘er.  I think what we’re seein is the downside of the Olys so here me out for a moment. 

There’s sports where you can tell who won.  They went the farthest, or tallest, or fastest.  Those are things what you can measure.  Closest to the house, or more goals, or didn’t take as long as the other lad.  Then there’s the judging sports.  You got your artistic merit, or degree of difficulty, or did you land’er OK. 

Anytime you got judges for anything like art, it’s a “my opinion is better’n yours, so shut yer trap” kinda pissin contest.  Even if all the judges are fair and square, it still comes down to “I said so and you can eff off.”  Which tells me it ain’t a sport worthy of the Olys.  And lookin at some of the judges at the Fancy Skatin, I doubt if any one of them could push back from the table without assistance, let alone do some quadruped leap on skates, so what the hell do they know?  Same with the half-pipers.  Might as well give out the medals based on the applause or the colour of their boards. 

Judgin ruins it all as they sit around natterin about oh she’s ranked fourth and it’s not her time and she didn’t turn her ankle out the right way on the second revolution so’s to demonstrate the lithe determination of the atheticisms.  Eff that.  Them judges cain’t see it anyways, even if they watched the replay twice, so’s they’re talkin out their arseholes to make themselves look important and get a better hotel at the Olys. 

Now sure, there has to be some judgin, as in is that an offside or icing.  Did you put your skatin boot across the lane line, your elbow in the defenceman’s guts or that kind of measuring, fer sure, but marks for artistic merit?  Jeeze Louise, might as well hand out medals based on yer dye job instead of your performance.  They used to have barrell jumpin at the Olys.  The one what jumped over the most barrells won the Gold and they didn’t give a shiite if you landed ear, elbow and dicktip first.

Speakin of dicktips, will someone tell the lads what makes the aerodynamic uniforms for the speedy sports that we don’t want to see the moose knuckle.  We don’t need to see it either.  I asked Maureen and she says if you sew some interfacing (whatever the hell that is) into the uniforms, you’d be presenting a more finished appearance. Instead, we get to see who waxes or who answers correctly to Mazel Tov!. 

At least in the hockey you know they’re wearing a cup or they’re going to come off the ice on a stretcher, curled up like a cocktail shrimp halfway into the first period.  Wear some gitch, dammit.

Speakin of gitch, the Brit media has been pissin all over Canada about the flame bein behind a chain link fence, the Zambonis breakin down, no fourth leg at the openin, the tracks too fast or it’s too dangerous, or we ain’t got enough snow.  Well, from where I sit, we done a great job and the Brit media can have urine, stool and sperm sample.  Which means they can go eat my gitch.  When you smartarses do the Summer Olys in 2012, I’ll be writin up every screwup you got and they’rl be thousands. 

I’ll even start now.  You got 76 million people in the United Kingdom and are so smart you haven’t got the sense to let one of them go to Dentist School?  Frig ya all.  Oh and stop boilin your food.  Yer supposed to be able to chew a roast a bit.  Sorry, I forgot, none of you have any friggin teeth which is why you boil everything, includin yer friggin heads in a bucket of tea.  Arseholes.  And don’t friggin smile anymore either.  You’re scarin the kids.

And by the way, we’re kickin ass and takin names in the Curling.  Cheryl Bernard pulled another one out, this time on Denmark and just floated the hammer into the four foot in the extra end.  Now that’s the thrill of victory.

Mason Baveux and the Olympics

With the Olympics on the tube and some work intruding, I’ve called up our esteemed commentator Mason Baveux to pick up the Olympic thread by giving him the password to the blog.

So, Davey gave up the password to the bloggery for me to write up some Oly Moments for all to read.  Now, it’s not like I’ve gone all Twattterd with them micro-bloggisms.  I’m just a guy what watches the Olys and speaks my mind.  Here we go:

Openin’ Ceremonials:  She was about a hour too long.  I liked the four totem poles comin up from the arena floor.  You know what else I liked?  That we finally up and recognized them First Nations as them what was here first and they be just as rightful to be part of the show.  We sometimes forget that our First Nations are the guys and gals that met the Voyageurs and kept the explorers from starving to death as the Voyageurs didn’t know shit from salad in Canada.

I read some other blogs what said “What the hell was that?” about the trees and water and the flying skiers in the opening.  That just tells me them other writers don’t know boo from woo about being Canadian.  Canada is damn big country and it’s got a lot of land.  If we didn’t get to flyin, we’d never see it all.  I like to fly Molson Airways and I’ve got my stocks in for the Olys.

What I liked most of all from the opening ceremonials was the Standin O for the team from Georgia.  One of their lugers lost’er on the luge run and went head first into a pole.  Killed him dead in a half a second and just broke me heart as he was young and doin one of the truly dangerous sports in the Olys.  Damn shame that.

Watched some of the speedy skatin what with the women’s where we won a Bronze medal.  Now, I’m all for celebratin’ the female form, but Mother of Pearl, them women are so fit, their nostrils can run a marathon on their own, but someone from the Olys should mention the camel toe to them girls.   

After a nap, I made sure I was ready with a fresh glass for the men’s moguls.  Lord Thunderin’ Jesus!.  Slide down a bumpy hill on skis, over bigarse lumps, leap ass over teakettle at least twice and try not to die while doin’ it.  If the wind comes up, one of them will wind up in the crowd, impaling some kid from Scrotatia with a ski pole.  Now, I watched the women the night before, basically doin’ the same thing, but during a fog attack in a rainstorm and it scared the jeebers out of me.  The Men’s?  They’re just plain crazy to the point of maybe being under a Lieutennant Governors warrant.  But we won the Gold now didn’t we?

Curling I’m most looking forward to.  The Chinese and the Koreans might just kick our arses in the roaring game, but we can drink them under the table at any bonspiel your care to mention. 

Speaking of under the table, howcome nobody has talked about the 30 or so atholetes what got suspended just before the games for dopin?  Was it just the snowboarders, or was there some bobsledders what were all hopped up on the wacky-tabaccy?  I think there probably wasn’t no ski-jumpers in that list as you’d not want to be three sheets to the wind then jump off a big hill.  Or then again, maybe you do and that’s how you do the ski jumpin’

Fancy skatin I don’t care about, unless they make the costumes look more like the wardrobe at the peeler bar.  For that matter, I could even enjoy the biathlon if the IOSee went that route. 

Speakin of the biathlon, I’d like to see the targets shoot back.  The skier gets a round and a guy inside the target hut gets a round back at you if you miss.  Or just face the shooting range on either side of the targets.  If you miss, you might just get lucky and pop your competition.  Oh and wolves.  I’d like to see wolves in the course just to add some spice to it.  That’s what you got the rifle for isn’t it?

The hockey is coming up and our Women’s team already laid a shellacking on the Slovakian’s.  About half way through the second period of the Slovak – Canada women’s game, the Canadian team was bringin spectators down out of the stands to take shots at the Slovakian goalie.  I saw one old gal with a walker and her portable oxygen put a wrist shot at the five-hole and get the red light to come on.  Either that or the Slovak coach should have yelled “Car!” and got the hell out of the arena.  At least they got a gracious standing O from the crowd for taking the beating.  I think they maybe should have a 12 goal mercy and wrap the game early.

I’ll write more later, but I’m halfway into a case and I’se got to take a piss.