Lord save us, Mason wants to explain why all you hear about is the Iowa Caucuses on the tube.
Thanks lad. I wanted to be writin about these here Iowa caucuseses what are all over Ted’s Network these days, as a lot of us north of the border look at that whole thing and say “What the eff are they all about?” Plus two lads from the residence were wonderin, so I’s looked her up.
Iowa, which is the potato state, decided back in the 70’s that California, New York and Texas get all the press when the Yanks go about electin a new President. Nobody gave a crap about what the Iowanners thought. So’s they come up with a truly messed up way to figure out who didn’t suck as much as the other guys wantin to be the Prez.
They figured, go first, afore anyone else. But, bein Yanks they had to make sure everyone got a voice and a vote otherwise they weren’t bein democratic. There’s 99 counties in Iowa and every one has a convention for the Democrats or the Republicans. Right now, the Repubs are in town. Each precinct in Iowa, and there’s 1, 774 of them, elect delegates to one of the 99 county conventions, who then vote for delegates for district and then state conventions. Then, when the big national convention rolls around, they vote for the state delegates, for either the Demos or the Repubs.
What she boils down to is nine-tenths of the population of Iowa is on the graft as a delegate to somebody’s convention. As there be only 3,062,309 people in all of Iowa, most everybody but the shut-ins gets a spin at the wheel.
Here’s what’s really happenin: The media, like CNN, Fox and all the big networks need somethin to fill in the January news. There’s only so many times you can report about the Israelis and Palys takin’ a piece out of each other’s arse, so they’ve made the Iowa Caucuses a Big News Event. What the networks are sayin is that this if the first steps in the Race for the White House, as if Iowa proves something to the 93 lads what studies the Political Sciences.
The list of candidates is your usual carpetbaggers, lyin’ scum, gravy suckers, short-bus window tasters, glad handers and mixed nuts. Most of them couldn’t spell Des Moines unless it was printed on a card in big letters for the them. Come the day after, they’ll never set foot in Iowa again and will get a case of the political amnesia about what they said. But, for the next few hours, Iowa is the center of the whole Universe. If it wasn’t important, then all those satellite trucks are on the road to nowhere and the per diems for the pundits are just bein pissed in the snow.
What ya got is a self-fulfillin prophesy. Everyone says Iowa’s important, therefore it is important, but if you measure it out, Iowa only has one percent of the people in the whole USA.
If they’re so important and so friggin smart, then why don’t the US just shitcan the rest of the votin and let Iowa pick the winner? Because that would leave the US television networks and newspapers with bugger all to say for February to November.
If they’ve got nothin to say, then they might start investigatin all the Banks what made record profits last year, right after the biggest recession on record. Or they might look too closely at all the big businesses what are sending their jobs to Mexico or China, instead of employin folks local. Or they might start investigatin the collection of loons they got in Washington who get a reach-around every hour from some lobbyist. This afternoon it’s the Banks, then the Yellow Rose Growers, followed by Paint-Drinkers, Bee Keepers for Christ and the American Enterprise Institute for Takin a Dump In Your Hat.
The more I think on it, the better off the Yanks are with their caucusees. It keeps’em distracted and busy.