Monthly Archives: March 2008

Guest Commentator Mason Baveux

(I’m too damn busy to write this week, so I’ve enlisted the help of a guest writer, the esteemed Mason Baveux, to fill in.  He’s quite insightful.)

Dave asked me to write about Tibet and the Olympics this week, but about all I could come up with is that the International Olympic Committee knew that China was crapping all over the mountain top in Tibet.  Juan-Tony Sandwichshop was the yutz who signed off on giving the Olys to a bunch of nut crushers and jackbooters in 2001.  Big friggin surprise now that the Red Army is taking Tibetans away for a chat that involves a beat down then a round in the back a tha head.

The suckage starts when pissants start talking ’bout boycotting the Olys to ‘express their displeasure’ about the new Oly sport of "Monk Beating".  You shoulda expressed your displeasure in 2001.  It wasn’t like we didn’t know China was a bunch a bastards back then. 

I’m not gonna miss the games tho.  I like the balance beam when they miss getting on right and bash some face on her.

Politics:  A bunch of shiite, north or south of the border.  She’s coming down to a choice of Johnny Mac or Barrack Obama.  One is crazy and the other is just dumber than a box of hammers.  If Johnny Mac wins, I betcha a large double double they invade someplace ’cause Johnny Mac wakes up on the wrong side of the bed with a hate-on for Peru.  Friggin Perunians.  Is is Lima or Leema?  I dunno. 

Up here, we got more of the same.  Canadian Primo Steve-O Harper is runnin the joint like his own personal bible study class in Alberta.  He pulls his head outta his arse long enough to tell us nothing.  Eff that!

Curling:  We’re gonna clean up. 

Hockey:  Friggin Leafs are golfing early.  Last time the Leafs was in the playoffs was in 1803.  Every time I go by the Hockey Hall of Fame, I wanna cry.  At least they got Terry Sawchuck’s mask in the Hall.

Donuts:  The price of Dutchies is up.  Seems the price of wheat is up nine one-thousandth of a cent, so they raise the price of Dutchies by a quarter!  What the hell is that all about? 

Lights off for a hour:  Frig that!  I’m turning them all on for a hour between 8 and 9 tonight.  Then I’ll fire up the welder.  You save the energy and I’ll watch the Curling on TV.  I might unscrew the lightbulb in the beer fridge for an hour.

Spring:  I can smell the dogcrap thawing out in the park.  Must be spring.


Eliot Sptizer Goes for the Five Hole

In a moment of exceptional candour, New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer admitted to calling in the professionals in the handrail waxing business.  The episode set him back $4,300, plus his career.

Of course he’s apologized to his wife, neighbours, the state of New York, the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, the Police, and the guy on 42nd street who talks to his invisible friends.  Very nice of him to humiliate his wife in public, by the way.

The screeching hypocrisy is that Eliot Spitzer had a reputation for being a law and order, go after the big guys kind of Attorney General.  That’s the part that galls the most:  The hypocrisy.

The incomprehensible, in all the sordid sex scandals involving politicians since the dawn of time, is this:  Can’t you just keep it in your pants?  Yes, I know that men are ruled by testosterone, the Little Head ruling the Big Head argument, but it actually goes deeper than that.  What the real intoxicant is not sex, but power.

Power, said Hank Kissinger, is the ultimate aphrodisiac and power does truly warp people even more than testosterone.  Some wiser observers than I have determined that the majority of difficulties on the planet come from those with power being grimly determined not to share it, as well as being oriented to using their power flagrantly to demonstrate that they have power and can wield it.

War, for example, is just a power dynamic taken to an extreme.  However, closer to home, things like racism are also power dynamic issues:  The outsiders want some and the insiders don’t want to give up any.  The boss has plenty but won’t let you do the work the right way, in order to demonstrate his power over you.  The schoolyard bully knows that he can scare the crap out of you, by making you feel like you have no power, so you give him your lunch money in exchange for not getting beaten. 

To carry the argument further, Eliot Spitzer (or any other pol caught dipping his wick) knows that he has all kinds of power and is so besotted by it, he feels he can ignore the rules the rest of us work under.  Even bolder, he thinks that if caught up to the bristles in a giraffe, he can make the news media shut up about it. 

This presumption has been proven wrong so many times (the media won’t shut up about it) that one would figure politicians would eventually learn the lesson.  Even toddlers understand ‘red element on stove means pain’ after one test of the lesson, and usually the toddler will stay away from a hot element on a stove.  Empirically, this tells me that politicians are dumber than toddlers.

Again, empirically, this demonstrates that power is even more of a common-sense killer than testosterone.  In the grips of a testosterone flood, a male with a raging circus tent can play one-handed Spit in the Carpet with Ms Thumb and her Four Fabulous Friends to get over it. 

Someone in the grips of a Power Flood can’t actually do anything to to get over it.

Here’s the hook:  We give these clowns the power over us.  We willingly submit to their posturing and posing during elections and mark our ballots.  In other parts of life, we do the same thing.  We let people exercise power over us and we feel miserable about it.  Why do we have to feel that way?  The answer is we don’t have to feel miserable about it.

Yes, there has to be rules and there has to be sanctions when the rules aren’t followed.  Without rules we would have loons driving 190 kph down the wrong lane of the highway, drunk, wearing a pair of granny panties on their head and singing "Mambo Number Five" at the top of their lungs, in a Porsche. 

Rules I don’t mind, as the common-sense ones keep dumb humans from being truly dumb and often protect us from our own dumbness.  But rules designed to demonstrate power without any benefit to the rest of us, are simply stupid.

Which brings us back to Eliot Spitzer, or any of the other recent crop of wick dippers, toe tappers, goat ropers and reality stylists.  If you want to climb up on the mountain top of being a paragon of virtue, be prepared to act as a paragon of virtue, in everything you do.  Until then, perhaps you should just shut the hell up and keep it in your pants.